There are three things I love: my Macbook Pro, Starbucks, and fries.  Yes, food tops two out of the three items I love in life.  An ideal afternoon will be to sit in front of my Macbook Pro while sipping on a Starbucks Chai Tea Latte and munching on fries.  Don’t judge me.

So when I discovered from Yahoo! that Starbucks actually has a “secret” menu, I was all over it.  It was like gaining a secret access code to an exclusive club of cool people.  Never again will I order my caffeine-bombed beverage like an average person.  I am Frodo who possesses the power of “The Ring.”

First is the Green EyeIt is the daring three extra espresso shots in your regular drip.  Next, comes my drink of choice… the juiced up Chai Tea Latte: Dirty Chai with one shot of Espresso, or the more bold Double/Extra Dirty Chai.

Next up is the Zebra or Penguin Mocha.  This is the ideal drink for the indecisives like myself.  When you don’t know whether you want white chocolate or regular mocha?  Order both in the form of a Zebra/Penguin Mocha!  If you are feeling extra indecisive today, ask the barista to throw in some raspberry flavoring and make it a Red Tux Mocha.

The Chocolate Dalmatian is a little less daring, but just as chocolatey.  It’s Starbucks’ signature White Chocolate Mocha with a chocolate chip topping.

If you’re intrigued by the Cake Batter Frappuccino, keep in mind that there’s no cake and not a lick of batter in this beverage.  So don’t order this drink, take a sip, and slam it on the counter while shouting “YOU LIE!” in a heartbroken manner.  It’s actually the child of Vanilla Frappuccino and vanilla with almond syrup.  But it has a cake batter coloring.

The Captain Crunch Frappuccino is the other deceptive item on this menu.  If you cringed at the thought of blending Captain Crunch with a shot of Espresso, you are fortunately mistaken.  This drink is concocted by adding in hazelnut syrup into a regular Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino.

It’s not dumb if you have a secret menu and product names that half the population can’t pronounce or memorize.

Then comes the “Short” drink.  Less adventurous than the rest of the drinks on this menu, it’s the “Tall” drink’s shorter, and less popular brother that no one knows.

French Press is less of a drink and more of how they make it.  If you ask, nicely, Starbucks will brew any of coffee they sell in a French Press.

Next on the list is a clogged artery in a cup.  The Super Creme Frappuccino is your Frappe of choice except half of the cup will be whipped cream.

The Affogato-Style Frappuccino will be something I wouldn’t order any time soon for fear of coming off like a moron.  I tend to shy away from ordering anything I can’t pronounce with confidence.  For a shot of Espresso poured on top of my drink as opposed to having it blended in, is not worth the risk of looking like an idiot.

And, we come to the Triple C’s: Cinnamon Dolce Latte with caramel syrup and chocolate mocha syrup (bear with me, we just have one more on the list).

The final thing on the list is the rich man’s McFlurry: The Biscotti Frappuccino.  For this beverage, you’ll have to buy a pack of Biscotti separately and ask the barista to blend it into your Frappuccino at the risk of busting their blender.  But if you ask nicely, maybe they’ll do it as a favor.  Just this once.

The more I read this list, the more I marvel at the marketing machine that is Starbucks.  They do zero commercials and next to nothing advertising, but their name keeps getting bigger and even their “secret” menu is making a buzz on the web.

If you look closely at this secret menu, it has the Taco Bell product model: take-what-you-have-and-add-something-different-to-it-to-make-it-taste-and-look-like-something-else.  It doesn’t cost them any additional CapEx, but diversifies their menu tremendously.  With this now “not so secret” menu, Starbucks is sure to gain an even bigger crowd at their shops.

This is completely unrelated to the article, but hopefully it’ll help you get over this brain-meltingly hot hump Wednesday.

Go forth and be awesome.